Beyond Hogwarts
by Demon Lord Cashmere Snow
Summary: Crack fic! No pairings, AU GoF: Harry takes Dumbledore's advice to heart and things get spicy. Features a rebel!Harry, OOC!Snape, StubbyBroadman!Sirius, buzzkiller!Dumbledore, nagger!Hermione


Beyond Hogwarts – Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: If anyone could please ask JKR to give me Harry Potter, I'd appreciate it. As such, I own nothing.**

Hogwarts, 1994

It was the day of the First Task. Harry went over his plans once more; everything was in place. Going through his bottomless satchel for the last time, he swung it on and pulled the zipper closed. Smiling to himself, he passed Cynthia, who most knew as 'the Fat Lady', and made his way to breakfast.

Sitting down, he pulled up a plate and loaded it with eggs, bacon and toast. Buttering his toast in preparation for the marmalade that he would soon apply to it, he was unprepared for the bushy haired female that plopped down next to him. Setting down his toast he opened his mouth to greet her, but was cut of when she started without preamble.

"Harry, this is serious. You've kept me in the dark about whatever your plan is for too long! Why won't you let me help you with this. The tournament is no laughing matter, you could get hurt! I'm sure I could help you with whatever spell you're going to use."

"Or 'Hello!' as they say in common parlance. It is good to see that courtesy is still going strong within you." he replied, slightly amused.

"Nevertheless, since you asked, I will let you in on this." he interjected, before looking around in a conspirational manner. "The magic I'm going to use is, in Dumbledore's words, 'a magic far beyond anything we do here'." he stage-whispered, imitating the old man's gregarious manner.

His comment had the misfortune of being overheard by Professors McGonagall and Snape, who had been passing by, engaged in a deep discussion.

McGonagall merely 'hmm'ed, brows wrinkling in concentration as she tried to divine what the Lion was talking about.

Snape merely scowled at the boy for an instant, before breaking into deep, raucorous laughter. Ignoring everyone's looks of astonishment he struggled in vain to try and regain his composure before falling to the floor and relapsing into hysterical laughter.

Finally getting up, and stifling the odd giggle, he straightened out his robes and addressed the son of his best friend and nemesis, "50 points to Gryffindor for putting an old goat in his place." Ignoring the unusually low positions of the jaws of the general public, he stalked off, cloaks billowing in a non-existent breeze.

Harry merely mimed tipping his hat.

* * *

It was time for his turn. Idly he mused over how much Hagrid might want his Horntail. Perhaps, after the task, he would make a request for ownership of the dragon. Afterall, one could never own too many dragons. Besides, dragons were cool.

Approaching the enclosure he set down his satchel right outside and calmly walked in. Showtime.

The dragon was truly beautiful. In a way, he could see why Hagrid wanted one. Raising his wand, he could feel the crowd holding its breath, eager to see what magic the illegal participant would perform. 'Like a gladiator', he thought.

"Accio Satchel"

He had to hold back a grin as the crowd almost face-faulted. 'Haha! Eat that!'

Opening it, he first pulled out the Sword of Gryffindor that he had nicked earlier. Planting it in the ground he reached in and pulled out the other item.

A guitar.

With a casual gesture that most overlooked, he scattered several small items throughout the enclosure. Strumming violently, he began to sing-

"_The basilisk's balls were blazin',_

_As I stepped into his cave,_

_And I sliced his fucking cock off,_

_With this long and steely blade._"

At this half the crowd looked rather sick and the dragon suddenly felt very intimidated. Perhaps it would be wise to give him the golden shiny thing that the other apes had stolen from her sisters.

With a flick of Harry's wand, the guitar began to play itself as he picked up the sword.

"_'Twas I that killed the serpent,_

_Fuckalize sing-fuckaloo!  
And if you try to fuck with me,  
Then I shall fuck you too!  
Gotta get it on in the party zone!  
I got to shoot a load in the party zone!  
Gotta lick a toad in the party zone!  
Gotta suck a chode in the party zone!_"

By this point the crowd was overcoming its collective shock and starting to get into the song. The dragon however, had long gotten lost in the music and was now providing pyrotechnics.

With a burst of purple firecrackers, Dumbledore got up, furious at being upstaged.

"What is this? You're making a mockery of this tournament! Now be serious and make an effort to steal the egg, Mr. Potter."

Shaking his head and biting back the obvious Sirius pun, he flicked his wand at the guitar again, changing the strumming pattern. Falling to his knees, an putting his hands together as if in prayer, he continued-

"_Dio can you hear me?  
I am lost and so alone.  
I'm askin' for your guidance.  
Won't you come down from your throne?  
I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock.  
The Headmaster thinks you're evil,  
But man, he can suck a cock.  
Rock is not The Devil's work,  
It's magical and rad.  
I'll never rock as long as I am stuck here with inbred!_" he finished pointing to Malfoy as he finished. 'It's all on you now, Sirius! Don't fail me!'

All of a sudden there was a bright flash and everyone looked up to see the floating, holographic head of Ronnie James Dio. It sang-

"_I hear you brave young Harry,  
You are hungry for the rock.  
But to learn the ancient method,  
Sacred doors you must unlock.  
Escape the Headmaster's clutches,  
And this oppressive neighborhood.  
On a journey you must go,  
To find the land of Hollywood!  
In The City of Fallen Angels,  
Where the ocean meets the sand,  
You will form a strong alliance,  
And the world's most awesome band.  
To find your fame and fortune,  
Through the valley you must walk.  
You will face your inner demons.  
Now go my son and rock!_"

Nodding at the ending notes, Harry pulled his Firebolt from the satchel, flew over and grabbed the egg and flew off into the sunset.

**AN: That's a wrap folks! I'll be back soon with the rest of the year, I just need to sort my ideas out and find the right songs.**

**The song is "Kickapoo" by Tenacious D**

OMAKE

"I need a stage name" Harry complained to his dogfather.

"You can't have Stubby Broadman, that's mine."

"What about your real one?"

"Fine! Use my last name."

"So, something Black? Let's see- Remus Black?("nope") Henry Black?("a right prat") Alucard Black?("I am not dignifying that with a response") Well what then?"

"I ain't got jack."

"Jack Black? That works!"

**AN: Can anyone explain the ratings to me? I'm unsure if this should be rated as a T or an M. Help would be** **appreciated.**


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